restart?

this week we start to talk via sms again...
these sms seems calm...
i'm not sure if this is real calm or not...

yes, i told him about the gift from above...
shit... yes i should not tell him... i told myself not to tell him...
why did i tell him...
i don't want him to think i do this for him or for us...
shit... i shouldn't have tell him...
cos i want things to move as the way it goes... not because of anything...

shit... i ruin everything again...
what's wrong with me...
i hate myself...

pls... pls... guide me and take me to where i belong...
pls... pls... give me the route and let me walk on it...
i don't want to think...
i don't want to plan...
i don't know what to do...

pressure from here... (dad mom)
pressure from there... (families)
pressure from inside... (myself)
pressure from outside... (work, life, money)
pressure pressure pressure everywhere....